


Plans for (World Domination) Getting a Date

by notoneforreality



Series: QB-B3 007 Fest 2020 [21]
Category: James Bond (Craig movies)
Genre: 007 Fest, 007 Fest 2020, Alternate Universe - Superheroes/Superpowers, Badly, But like by accident, Flirting, Kinda?, M/M, Megamind Reference, Pre-Relationship, Prompt Fill, Q is bad at flirting, R is over this, R supports Q in his bad decisions, Team Q Branch, Villains, and he makes so many of them, but she is a supportive friend, villain!Q
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-21
Updated: 2020-07-21
Packaged: 2021-03-04 17:55:29
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,652
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25360477
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/notoneforreality/pseuds/notoneforreality
Summary: Q is a notorious villain; Double-oh Seven is a notorious hero. As far as Q's concerned, this means that they're destined to be together as long as he sticks to the plan.Firting hasn't always been his strong suit.
Relationships: James Bond/Q
Series: QB-B3 007 Fest 2020 [21]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1795726
Comments: 7
Kudos: 90





	Plans for (World Domination) Getting a Date

**Author's Note:**

> Written for--  
> 21st July: Villain Day  
> Trope prompt table: It's good to be bad

“I do love what I do,” Q says, staring at the pieces of the robot he’s planning to sic on the city in two weeks’ time.

On the other side of the secret lair’s nice and spacious workshop, R looks up from where she’s working on a tracking system to try to work out Double-oh Seven’s identity. “I’m sensing a ‘but’.”

Q scowls and slumps in his chair. “But I’m really trying very hard and he barely even looks at me while he’s destroying all my creations. Last time I rerouted my monologue through his stupid Hero League earpice and he didn’t even acknowledge it once. It was a great monologue, too! There were at least eight puns about electricity.”

“Wow, eight puns,” R says in a voice that is just the right side of flat because she is Q’s dearest second in command and would never betray him by insulting his great evil deeds. Then, to ruin it, she says, “Remind me again why you made your theme electricity when most of your work is done with code.”

“Because, dearest R, I also do engineering and it was the best thing I could find to link the two things.”

“Not all of your engineering involves electricity.”

Scowling, Q flaps a hand in her direction. “Branding is hard. The League of Moral Sticks Up The Arse wouldn’t know because they just give all their people numbers and think that’s fine. What happened to all the pizzazz? The showmanship? The...”

“Presentation,” R says, with no inflection at all. 

Q frowns. “If you’re going to quote the holy works at least do it properly.”

R sighs. For a moment, it looks like she’s going to ignore him — which is completely fair and valid — but then she flicks on  _ Welcome to the Jungle _ , throws her arms wide and shouts, “Presentation!”

“Exactly!” Q shouts in response, and goes back to the coding he’d abandoned earlier, grinning and bouncing along to the music. 

He’s got a nice plan for tomorrow that involves the GPS systems of approximately thirty Amazon lorries being rerouted to an abandoned retail park, where there’s plenty of room. He’s hoping for a big dramatic battle between Double-oh Seven and his animatronics, then a pause while Double-oh Seven gets his breath back and Q emerges from one of the empty warehouses to monologue, and then a nice, traditional, homoerotic duel that they’ll call a draw and desert in order to regroup and try again next week. 

If it goes well, next week he’s aiming to be almost defeated but left alive at the last second because of Double-oh Seven’s morals and maybe just a little bit of complicated emotions that the hero doesn’t quite understand yet.

The whole thing is very elaborate and involves several whiteboards, spreadsheets, and collaborative Google Docs in order to orchestrate and keep track of each step along the way.

“You could,” R says, after a couple of hours, “perhaps, maybe, talk to Double-oh Seven?”

Busy bopping along to the _ You’re Super, Villain! _ playlist and fiddling with the timing of the code (does he want them to arrive at 10:08 or 10:11? The precise timing is very important), Q almost doesn’t catch the suggestion. When he does, he blinks and stares at R, face completely blank.

“I could what?”

“Use your words. Speak. Have a conversation.”

Q continues staring, and then he laughs so hard he can’t breathe. 

Eventually, he collects himself enough to try taking deep breaths to calm down, and makes a face at where R is stood, arms cross and one eyebrow raised.

“I am not doing that,” he says, and then he goes to find a cup of tea so R doesn’t have a chance to try and confuse him with logic about human interactions.

There’s a reason Q sticks to the animatronics. 

* * *

The next day goes excellently, even leaving Q with a gash across his bicep from a bullet that just grazed him, which will hopefully scar. The most irritating things to come out of it are the complete decimation of Q’s animatronic army — which he’d only just fixed after the last bout they’d gone with Double-oh Seven — and R’s critical expression when she catches him looking too happy about his injury.

“He told me I could help people, today,” Q tells her, smug. “I mean no thank you that’s no fun, but he’s trying to get me onto his side, which is progress! God, could you imagine? I bet the Super Amazing Help For Hire League has paperwork and everything.”

Probably on actual paper, too, because they’re heathens who want to kill the planet and idiots who are still scared of what technology can do.

Not that Q has any interest in alleviating that fear, not when it helps his image.

His image is very important, a careful balancing act between megalomania and melodrama.

Yesterday, after setting up the GPS systems, he’d hacked into every verified Twitter account for a bitcoin scam (bitcoin is a nightmare, anyway, he hadn’t needed to put much work into causing damage with it), but he’d signed the coding with a link to  _ Never Gonna Give You Up _ and also a lovely gif of the letter Q decorated in the style of  _ Blingee  _ circa 2008.

It had taken hardly any effort and he’d got nearly a hundred grand out of it, of which he used several thousand to buy parts for a new animatronic battalion, before handing over the rest to R who knew what to do with money beyond buy supplies.

“Talk to him or I’m going to kill you before he does,” R says, wrapping a bandage around Q’s arm just a little too fiercely.

“He’s not going to kill me.” Q pouts. “We have a Thing. Talking to him would absolutely jeopardize the Thing.”

R rolls her eyes so hard that it looks like it hurts. “What if the League send someone different?”

Last time the league sent someone different it had been Double-oh Two and Q hadn’t even graced him with a warm-up against his animatronics. He stood in front of the ‘hero’, told him to get lost, and then fried him with sixty thousand volts.

And then, to balance his image again, he left Double-oh Two’s unconscious body on the steps of the League’s Headquarters with an envelope propped up on his shoulder. The envelope contained a frankly unholy amount of glitter which would be almost impossible to get rid off, as well as a very nice note declaring his love for Double-oh Seven and his refusal to fight anyone else fairly. 

The League of We’re Better Then You proclaimed to care about ‘fair’. They hadn’t sent anyone else, since.

Q reminds R of this, and then says, “And I did use my words, written down and everything, so your suggestions are invalid.”

“You said you would ‘take your time killing Double-oh Seven, which is more than you’d do for anyone else,’” R says, because she’d proof-read it for spelling mistakes. “That is not a declaration of love.”

“Yes it is,” Q says, thoroughly offended. “I wouldn’t monologue for anyone else. They’d have no time for elaborate escapes.”

“You are a nightmare,” R says, and then goes to find the Dairy Milk because Q’s arm does hurt quite a bit and she is a good second-in-command and an even better friend. 

* * *

Next week Double-oh Seven goes above and beyond by not only leaving Q alive after a desperate moment where he’s got him pinned down on the ground and staring up at his gun, but also taking him in for questioning.

Double-oh Seven seems disconcerted by how excited Q is to be put into handcuffs and led along to the fancy car waiting a few streets away, but Q is too busy being delighted by the amount of physical contact between them. 

Besides, he’s not worried about being captured for long. R’s always watching on the drone she made the first night he came home ‘mooning about Double-oh Seven’. According to her: ‘You are a very intelligent person, but as soon as he’s involved, your brain cells go on strike. I’m keeping an eye on the situation’. It will be fun to see how she gets him out. They’ve come up with about thirty seven different plans, at this point, because it’s fun to pick holes in the League’s security when they’re sleep deprived and/or running on caffeine and sugar alone.

The cell Double-oh Seven puts him in is nothing fancy, with a key lock on the barred door. Q expects to be thrown in and immediately abandoned, and is pleasantly surprised when Double-oh Seven lingers outside his door.

“If you talk to me, I can get you leniency,” Double-oh Seven says. “I can convince them you’ll work with us, and you won’t have to be arrested.”

Q nearly swoons. “That’s so kind of you to say,” he says, and Double-oh Seven looks vaguely uncomfortable. “Unfortunately, I have to decline at this point in time.”

A flicker of something flashes across Double-oh Seven’s face, and Q decides it’s hope, because that would be fun, Double-oh Seven hoping that he can get through to Q, that Q might join him in the future. It’s cute.

He looks like he’s going to say something else, but then someone shouts ‘Bond!’ and he turns and stalks off in the direction of the voice.

Only five minutes later, R turns up in front of the cell wearing the League’s civilian assist uniform. She has three keys in her hand, and the door swings open with the first one she tries.

“Next time I’m leaving you here,” she says, which is a worthless threat, because she does actually care about him.

Q hums, still looking down the corridor where Double-oh Seven — Bond? — had disappeared.

“Next time,” he says, considering, “I think I’ll bring him to us.”

**Author's Note:**

> Keep notes:  
> \--this was going to be inspired by the Descendents song 'It's Good to Be Bad' becuase I didn't have any ideas for a long time so be glad you didn't have to read whatever that would have ended up as  
> \--Bond wreaks havoc on Q's inventions in every universe  
> \--so I thought I was over my catholic education and then I wrote 'holy works' in regards to an animated film and the full force of every RE teacher and nun I ever knew at that place turned up in my head to scream at me so yeah that's how I'm doing  
> \--listen this is ooc this is crack i don't care I am having the time of my life  
> \--the rituals are intricate  
> \--so I wrote this the day after that Twitter bitcoin thing and have shamelessly stolen it because I was tired and running out of things for my evil baby to do  
> \--listen I know nothing about code but please give me this  
> \--re: monolgues pls see this video https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LXEAkeh7OTE it's great


End file.
